Fix me

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse......

And the tears come streaming down your face

Could it be worse....-Fix You by Cold Play

For the first time in my life, I've cried in front of my PhD supervisors. Honestly, i cant believe I behaved in that way too, it just happened suddenly after my main supervisor asked me "how are you feeling rite now, Bibi?" I wanted to say something, I prepared my words..but all those words got stuck in my throat, I can't say anything more. I just felt I had enough, but I haven't actually. I tried my best, but i'm not moving to the next level. And it's already 11months since I've been in the PhD life. I wanted to say many things...but I just can't...I feel so frustrated with myself. But seriously, what I can only say is (deep in my heart), thanks to Allah, I've got both of them as my supervisors!

Our dpt. graduate tutor always said to me, I've got the best supervisor from our department. And I believe it is true.

PhD, tak sama seperti undergraduate research, juga bukan seperti part of masters dissertation, jauh sekali pergi kuliah setiap hari dan di hujung semester ambil exam. Tidak sama sekali. PhD ialah mencari sesuatu yang baru untuk diteroka, sesuatu yang luarbiasa, sangat luas, dan merangkul semua aspek2 dalam kehidupan. Ianya bukan hanya bergantung pada kebijaksanaan semata-mata, tapi juga pada sikap dan disiplin pelajar PhD, dan juga hubungan student-supervisors. Ramai kawan2 yang berkongsi kisah supervisor masing2, tak kurang juga aku asyik melayan kisah2 PhD di findphd.com etc....rata2nya akan mengulas tentang pentingnya hubungan baik di antara supervisors dan student. Topiknya bukan membodek, tapi pokoknya ialah sejauh mana supervisor itu bule guide the student into a right track dan sekaligus menghasilkan PhD student yang berkualiti.

My supervisors..just want me to give my very best-in the way of they think it is the best. Every results must have error and uncertainty analysis, every result must be provided with the proof of calculations, every results must be supported with theoretical explanations and arguments. In another words, everything I did and got must be presented correctly! they also said to me, rather than examiner going to ask me or correcting my research outcomes, it is better that nothing is to be corrected, so i shall prepare the best one! Nak prepare yang the best one tu laa yang mslh sikit.macam main ping-pong pulak....aku hantar, diorang hantar balik. Aku hantar lagi, diorang hantar balik.....:p

But above of all, I've learnt a lot from them, and I'm glad they are my supervisors. They said to me that one day I'll be supervising my very own PhD student once I graduated. So I shall prepare myself with good research skills. I think I just got back my energy, my passion in my research, may Allah always lights my way and guide me to the end of my PhD journey. I know, this is a tough journey with so many things to challenge my ability, but i also know that...so many PhD student out there have reached their end with flying colours..what I need is just to have courage with myself, have faith in Allah, and push myself to work harder than before. I will keep remind myself, I only get three yrs opportunity to finish this journey, so I better stop blogging now, get sleep and start my new day tomorrow with fresh head.

Till then, good nite everyone...and good morning for people in Malaysia. Love you all. Thank you for reading my blog;)

~currently addicted to...~

~i think i need this too...:)~

notakaki: I've got many emails, from best-friends, ex-lecturers, ex-students who sent me inspiring notes and asked me not to give up. Thank you guys for your concern, thank you and really thank you. To my dearest,I hope you know that I will fight for this.